The Unimaginable

It’s been nearly six months since I’ve heard my mom’s voice, seen her smile, felt her hug, or smelled her scent. People continually tell me, “I can’t imagine.” I tell them, “You can. But you don’t want to. And I don’t want you to either.”

One of the hardest realities I’ve had to accept in conjunction with the loss of my mom is that other people I love will have to endure this heartbreak in their own lives. I wouldn’t wish this grief on anyone. But as a wise man – who also lost his mom in his twenties- recently told me, “it is the natural order for a child to bury a parent.” I’m so glad I was ready to hear that. It doesn’t make it easier, but it puts life into perspective. 

As the weather breaks and summer approaches, my outlook naturally becomes more positive, upbeat, and hopeful. In addition to the weather, last week, I was able to see my therapist, receive vortex healing, and finally attend a private yoga session. I felt like I finally had a grip on the rope climb of life. 

… and then the rope got cut. 

Ya see, there is always something else life will throw at you. There are curve balls we can’t anticipate that can send us into a frenzy of a downward spiral. If. We. Let. It. 

I am so grateful I did the spiritual and emotional work last week so I was in the best headspace possible to deal with “life.” Do I wish I handled it better? Of course. But I am so blessed to have best friends to support me when I need it most. 

After everyone went to sleep Saturday night, I cried and prayed and brainstormed blogs. I started asking myself, “Why me?! Why can’t I get a break? When is this nightmare going to end?! How much muck and mire do I have to push and work through before I reach my lotus flower?! Am I hitting my rock bottom?” And then an enormous wave of peace fell upon me. 

I had already hit rock bottom and my mom helped me up from there. If she could help me through that time while she was on this Earth, I have to trust her angelic being will guide me through the rest of my journey here. 

I am living in a bubble of fear right now. I’ve realized the bubble needs to pop; I could spiral downward or I could rise up. After realizing my rock bottom is behind me and my guardian angel is beside me, I know there is only one option. 

So as I continue my lotus journey, I’m going to do my best to be my best self. My mom used to tell me, “Coly, you feel everything so deeply. When you’re sad, you’re so very sad. But when you’re happy, you’re sooooo happy! And that’s part of what makes you uniquely you.” I’ve always felt it to be a blessing and a curse, but I’m going to embrace my emotions. 

Starting now, the next six months will be filled with sunshine and joy. That’s what I’ve decided because today I am in the greatest city in the world, with the four best friends a person could ever ask for, to see a work of pure genius performed. I won’t hold back my excitement over seeing Hamilton because I deserve to be happy.

I won’t hold back because I need to revel in the realities of the unimaginable happinesses too. 

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