TBT: Forced out of “Home”

A Throwback Post!! I had a blog before this one, and I have always found great comfort and strength in journaling. The posts in this series are throwbacks to feelings, events, and lessons learned before.

4/28/16

It’s been a rough week battling depression. I’m not motivated, I’m sleeping a lot, and it’s hard to find pleasure in the things I love.

While this is part of depression, there was a major change in my life last week that triggered all of these emotions. The school that I work at will close at the end of this academic year. Just the day before this news was shared, I gave the alumni speech at the Honors Ceremony about how great the school is. My heart was broken.

But the hardest part was the next morning. Coming to school and seeing my students, boys and girls, crying.

Since then, it has been a series of good days, bad days, moments of hope, and feelings of helplessness. Everyone has been feeling “depressed.” Everyone has been feeling “anxious” about what their next chapter will be. Everyone is going through so many emotions – some say all the stages of grief – in a single day.

Well, with this news aside, there are days that I go from happy to anxious to happy to calm to depressed to calm to happy and back. I can’t always figure out my triggers. I don’t always know what’s causing me to feel a certain way. It’s incredibly frustrating!!

Now, I know what I’m dealing with. I know the root of why I get in bed when I get home from school, why I’m not motivated at work, why I get suddenly sad or hopeful.

My second home won’t be the same in a few weeks. The students that were going to be mine will be dispersed among new schools. I will leave my first teaching job because all the efforts on my part and the community’s wasn’t enough to keep the school open. For many this would be a failure.

I may struggle with my emotions, but I know I have not failed. I know that I did everything and anything I could to keep our school open. I know I am going to keep in touch with “my kids” when they go out into a bigger world. I know this is a great opportunity for me to go out into a bigger world, too. I am confident.

While I’m looking forward to the next chapter, it’s hard to enjoy the end of this one because of the sadness that exists. I use a lot of energy to stay as happy and positive with my kids. So by the time I’m home, I’m exhausted.

But that’s the whole point of teaching: to do what’s best for your kids when you have them and hope they’re better because of you. I just didn’t expect the time to come so quickly…

For better or worse, it’s like my mom has always told me: you just feel emotions intensely. The feelings I have right now are normal- they’re just intensified. As I navigate my way through my emotional states, my friends and family remind me that it’s okay to feel this way.

So I can’t really say where my symptoms stop and “life” begins. It’s more that things happen and my symptoms latch onto those events and typical feelings are intensified. At least I know what I’m dealing with. I just have to remember to be gentle with myself. Summer is coming.
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